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Monday, February 8, 2010

Pwn.

I took my first electrical physics test today {99%!}, and now all I want to do is play Rock Band. Too bad I don't own it.
I feel bad for so many of the kids in my physics class. They try so hard. They do all the reading, highlight their books, and annotate the margins. I could sell mine back to the publisher as new and they'd take it, no questions asked. If time and effort made up physics grades, I'd have a NG (no grade) and these other kids would have As. Luckily for me, it doesn't. And unluckily for them, they can't figure out why that isn't the case. So, I present to you:


How to Get an A in Electrical Physics:
A Tried and True Formula

Caveat: Extensive math experience necessary.

1) Do not read before class. Do not look at the topic before class. Do not waste any precious time on this class before you absolutely have to. (If you HAVE to read, say, to pass a reading quiz, do so quickly and without too much thought.)
2) Attend class, but do other homework while half-listening. Maximize the hour you're compelled to spend in there. Above all else, do not try to "conceptually understand." Regardless of who you are, attempting to visualize electricity and predict its movements based on complex strings of abstract reasoning will drive you insane. You cannot do it. Accept that and move on. It is okay.
3) Jot down any necessary equations. You'll need them for step 4.
4) Do all homework the last possible day it is due. The purpose of this step is twofold. First, if you need help from the TA lab, every TA in there will know immediately how to do the problem you are asking about, because ten million other more prepared students have already asked them how to do it. So by the time YOU ask for help, they are already exasperated over having to explain the problem ten million times and they will not ask you "leading questions" meant to "guide you to the answer." They will just show you how to do it, which is why you came to see them in the first place. The second reason for waiting until the last day is because you don't want to think about physics until it will affect your grade not to do so.
5) Repeat steps 1-4 until it is time for step 6.
6) Okay, it's test time! You might think, "Hmm, I've kind of slacked off in this class. Some kids have been studying for months. Am I going to be ready for this test?" The answer is YES! You will be just as ready as those poor saps who pore over the textbook and have developed an emotional attachment to the direction an electron will zip off to in a positive electric field. Know why? Because you will only know what you need to know. And this applies to the big picture. Don't think "knowing what you need to know" applies only to this test. It applies to larger tests like the MCAT, too. Abstract reasoning drives you mad and won't get you anywhere except maybe a padded room. Memorizing simple statements of truth, like "Electrons move from low potential to high potential, and into lower potential energy," or "The cross-sectional area of a wire is inversely proportional to its resistance" is all you need to do. Make sure to cover everything.
FACT: It's all math.
FACT: You can do math.
It follows from Facts 1 and 2 that you can also do physics.
7) Receive the test (equations included) and simply match up the letters ("Find capacitance." Hmm, okay, we have three equations that involve big C, even though I've never seen two of them before.). Manipulate equations to fit your purposes. Dominate conceptual questions with your for-sure-true statements.
8) Walk out of the Testing Center satisfied. Repeat until semester ends and an "A" appears on your transcript next to "Electrical Physics."

side note: i love the word "elapsed."

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