مرحبا عليكم!

I study languages.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Carnivore tendencies.

I think I was probably a velociraptor in a former life.
Or at least some type of carnivore.
It explains everything.

Sometimes when my family has steak for dinner, there's some left over in the fridge later.
When nobody's home, I eat it. Cold. It makes my teeth feel good to rip something apart.
It puts me on this kind of carnivore high.
I get the same focused intensity when I get to devour someone else's English paper.
Tearing it apart, ripping it to pieces, slashing their words with mine feels almost the same as the steak thing.

I like being a velociraptor.

I'm almost sadistic at times, and also suicidal. I wonder if this comes from the velociraptor, too.
I always want to cut people. When I think about it, I don't picture the person as screaming while I cut them or anything. It's not like I have a desire to cause anyone pain. I just want to cut into them, that's all. I want to feel my blade slide through the layers of tissue. I want to bite their kidney. I want to see the blood.

When I'm driving, I always think about killing myself, and I always come this close to actually doing it.
It would be so easy...I'd just jerk my hands on the wheel sharply to one side. I'd swerve into oncoming traffic, all of it would hit me, the car would roll, everything would shatter, and I'd be obsolete.
Unfortunately, so would someone else, which is why I think I haven't actually done this yet.
I don't want to kill somebody who doesn't want to die.
This kind of scares me. Sometimes, I have to pull over so I can satisfy the overwhelming need to actually make the motion with my hands on the steering wheel.
I don't drive on the freeway. You can probably see why.

I just get really involved in the power I have in a car, and every single day, I'm tortured by the fact that I can't fully use it.
I hope I never do.

Being a velociraptor is fun, but only when I'm in control.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

My dear acquaintance.

I graduate this year.
I move out this year.
The Friendship will be separated for the first time I can remember, beginning this year.

I become an adult this year.

Happy new year.
Mine didn't start out the way I planned it to, but the longer I live, I find that nothing ever really does.
It's disillusioning, to say the least.
I'm scared my future will end up a train wreck.
My goals for this year:
1. Graduate with a 4.0
2. End up as salutatorian (that's definitely up in the air...I actually don't think it's possible, because I technically don't have a full schedule. But it would be nice, all the same.)
3. Make a new, real friend
4. Lose weight
5. Get involved in a research lab (college)
6. Get permission to execute my research project/compose a formal paper
7. Become necessary (in some way)
8. Date someone I like (and who likes me)

I'll update the list if I think of anything else.