Ego.

I've been thinking about individuality lately, about self-discovery.
Sure, it's cliche- maybe I'm waxing nostalgic after high school graduation; maybe I'm trying to justify why I am the way I am.
Regardless, though, I AM, and that's interesting.

I've realized that the way I see myself is entirely different than the way others see me, but I can't figure out whether this is a bad thing. I mean, admitting to a discrepancy implicates me in some level of hypocrisy, so either I'm not being absolutely honest with myself, or I'm not being absolutely honest with other people. The thing is, I can't figure out which side I'm on.

For example, I'm always surprised when people describe me as "quiet." When I really force myself to think about things, I guess I don't say much, but the description never fails to shock me. This is because somewhere in my consciousness, where whatever it is "I" am is floating around, silence is so unfamiliar that the very idea seems ridiculous. Quiet? Me? Since when? That's impossible.

There are discrepancies between aspects of my personality, things that can't be logically reconciled but somehow exist together. Sometimes, I think people are confused about what to think of me. If they know me from school, they know I work hard and perform well. Some people say I'm "intellectually aggressive" and they're "intimidated" by me (another adjective that makes my "self" go crazy. Intimidating?? How in the world is that possible?) and others know me as the controlling group leader it's better not to argue with. It's safe to say that in school and in competition, I am a vibrant Type A. Socially, though, I'm a different story. I hang out with a group that can be considered popular in its own right, composed of many types of girls with various personalities, habits and goals. I'm reserved in large group situations, coming across as "quiet" and "overanalytic." I don't think people know how to deal with this discrepancy. A paradox?
Somehow, it makes sense to me.

I guess I'm the only one.

The fact that I'm just beginning to realize who/what I am kind of scares me. What else is in there that I don't recognize? More importantly, why don't I know about it? Is my subconscious mind so adept at suppressing my active consciousness that it's keeping secrets from the person I think I am? And if I'm who I've always thought I was, who or what is controlling my subconscious? Is it me? Or is "me" a delusion, created by whatever else is in there to induce superficial satisfaction while it does whatever it wants without "my" consent?