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Blogger Dies After Long and Painful Battle with Life
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Jessica Sagers, university student and known paranoid stress case, died Wednesday at 20 after a long and painful battle with life.

"She finally kicked the bucket, huh?" commented an ex-roommate, grinning. "She hated cliches." Sagers was born to a nice Mormon family in 1990. Despite participation in high school softball and a 2009 stint in adult figure skating, she was almost totally unathletic, which created a sharp contrast between her and her high-powered, sports-oriented family. An awkward adolescence led her to find unique pleasure in excelling at schoolwork about which no one else cared, a passion to which she would eventually dedicate the rest of her life. Sagers could sing the names of every world country that existed in 1993 and often faked phone calls because she didn't want to talk to people. Soft-spoken but viciously passive-aggressive, she amused herself by imagining excruciating deaths for people who crunched loud food in her immediate vicinity. Before her death she was well on her way to becoming a master of staring off into the distance because starting homework seemed too daunting a task. Her body was discovered Wednesday evening with a stack of papers detailing Arabic case vowelling rules between her clenched fingers. "It's a shame, really," mused her brother. "That world countries song was kind of cool."