Appeal

I watched House tonight.
I love House.
Mostly, I love him because he can get away with being a caustic jerk.
I find it surprisingly endearing.
That's another thing about me. I admire strange things about people.
For example, what I call "deserved arrogance" is a definite turn-on. When a guy is exceptionally good at something (whether it's school, athletics, music, etc.) and he knows it, I think it's totally attractive. The catch is, traditionally defined complacency and overconfidence really get on my nerves. For me to be sufficiently intrigued, a boy has to know his limits, as well as his strengths; what makes him interesting is the fact that he knows his limits are much higher than everyone else's.

I wish I was more precise in speech. Since I generally keep my thoughts to myself, I sometimes struggle to say what I mean in conversations that aren't between people I already have a relationship of trust with. For example, in class, I have lately found myself mixing up my sounds and words when answering or asking questions because I know that once I open my mouth, the pressure's on-- there are forty others in the room scrutinizing everything I say, magnifying my words a thousand times to find the slightest flaw. And pressure really does get to me these days. I'm serious. I haven't had any kind of trouble with anxiety until this year, but it's really kicked in all of a sudden. I had an anxiety attack and honestly was unable to breathe at work the other day after my fifth hour of homework. I didn't even know anxiety could induce an asthma attack (and I don't even have asthma!), but I looked it up, and Wikipedia says it can. I've also had an attack during class, in the middle of a test. Everything tensed up, my brain literally froze in place, I started to hyperventilate, and my hands started to physically shake. I couldn't concentrate on anything but the time and how little of it I had left. It was the strangest feeling because it was completely new to me. I've never experienced anything even remotely like this before; it felt like my thoughts were going through a high speed blender or something. Of course, I stressed about the test all week long (as if I need more cortisol in my bloodstream), but it ended up being all right (94%). The whole experience honestly frightened me, though. I don't understand why all this anxiety is building up now. It's my senior year. Apparently, my limbic system just wouldn't feel complete without throwing one heck of a graduation party.

Plus, I have a crush on a neonatologist.
Awkward, I know.
He's relatively young (30s?), endearingly intelligent, and has a sweet accent.
I can't believe I'm putting this out there. XD