News.

BBC Provo, 8:55 AM Greenwich Mean Time (2 AM MST):
Jessica Sagers announced Monday that she does, in fact, have emotions. "I know I always seem like I'm in the same mood, but please don't think it's that simple," said Sagers, smiling inexplicably in an impromptu conference later that day. "Very few--if any--people know when I'm unhappy." Responding to questions posed about her ability to cry, she was taken aback. "Are you kidding? I cry all the time. I just don't do it around anyone if I can help it. And if I'm exhausted, stressed, scared, or despondent enough, I won't be able to help it, so keep your eyes open." Confused at the press's apparent inability to distinguish whether she is, as she claims, a human being, she offered some suggestions to help the layperson differentiate between her moods. "Any jewelry in the shape of a heart, that's a dead giveaway for sadness. Red eyes--I mean excessively red, the I've-stayed-up-all-night-and-will-probably-have-to-do-so-again-tonight red. Troubled skin. It's not that hard. Of course I'm going to tell you I'm fine. I don't want to talk to you, probably, so it's the easiest thing to say. Don't take it personally. It's me, not you."