Someone.

Dear Ms. ______,

Thank you for your interest in our program. This letter is a confirmation that we have received and considered your application. As you know, being designated as Someone is a coveted position that requires demonstrable intelligence, poise, beauty, and maturity. You will understand, then, that on these criteria we regret to inform you of your gross incapability to function in such a capacity.

Based on the materials you have submitted, we have compiled three suggestions that will help make you a more competitive applicant in the future. First, we suggest that you learn to speak more slowly, loudly, and coherently. Too often, you allow your mind to run away with your mouth as you babble incoherencies to a rightfully confused audience. Secondly, we encourage you to become more knowledgeable. Speaking frankly, your deficiency in this area is inexcusable. If, for example, your presentation even peripherally involves interleukin-1-beta, you must not only understand and be able to articulate the diagnostic properties of this proinflammatory cytokine, but the complex processes by which it is activated, expressed, and suppressed. Finally, it would not hurt if you were more sufficiently endowed with beauty. We strongly suggest you locate and apply large quantities of this rare commodity in the near future.

We wish you luck in all your endeavors and encourage you to re-apply next year.

Sincerely,
March 25

(And sadly, March 26 was not half as cordial.)